Self Ownership

What does it really mean?
I grew up in a small sized society, completely patriarchal, (falsely) religious.
I grew up in a normal family, went to school and university, been a good friend, partner, daughter, employee. I did everything right. How come though, that I found myself turning 30 feeling miserable?
In my whole life I had the deep underlying belief that something was wrong with me; that somehow I did not fit in.
I didn’t seem to value what others valued in my culture. I was feeling unsatisfied in my intimate relationships, not close and bonded enough with the people around me I loved most and I was ANGRY.
I was making myself what others wanted me to be in order to receive their love and acceptance. Still, I did not seem to succeed. And I did not seem to be able to lie enough to myself about it.

I got mental health problems. No matter what I did to help myself it only ever seemed like painkillers and not a real breakthrough.

So, here I am. In Berlin. First lost and desperate. Scared. With a low self esteem and willingness to go really far in order to make solid connections.
Berlin broke me up in pieces and I am now in the process of getting reshaped. Transformed actually.

So, what was really missing?

There is one main factor connected with all kinds of my issues.

Self worth.
Self assertiveness.
Self ownership.
If I would make an effort to describe what it means all that for me, I would say that it is the courage to allow myself to reveal exactly what is, to unfold step by step, to observe my patterns and tendencies, to make peace with the aspects of me that seem dysfunctional, to accept that no matter how much I try some of them will never change.
Acknowledging my dark side terrifies me. My hidden desires. My rage.
What scares me the most is the thought that when people really see those aspects of me, they will leave. I will be alone.
So in reality, it is not the fear of who I am, but, what I am, will not get loved.It takes unbelievable courage to stand up for oneself when there is no one by our side to empower us or support us.
Being vulnerable enough though, to acknowledge all that we hide in our shadow self, all we suppress and deny, is ultimately rewarding and adds the highest value in our life quality.

Slowly, I start to experience that the more I set myself free from expectations of how “I should be”, and also the less symptoms of anxiety and depression I experience. The more I show what I am afraid of, the more I find people who are loving and accepting.

This allows me to connect with others in a deeper, more authentic level, as we do not need our masks anymore.

And this is genuine power. Owning myself allows more and more peace with all the parts of myself that were neglected. I start enjoying life, because I do not carry the burden of having to be someone. Anyone.
Interesting, successful, strong or whatever. Life flows, and when it does, I do not crawl to get out of bed in the morning.
I can say loudly NO, and ever so loudly Yes to what I really want.

I do not want to only survive anymore. I want to live.
I have desires and they are mine. I have dreams and it is my duty to go after them.
The perfect timing might never arrive.

Our dreams, our needs, our sexuality, our creativity belongs to us.
Self ownership means responsibility.
Responsibility means the ability to respond.

Respond to our soul’s needs, to our passions.
Our hearts speak to us all the time, we can decide how then, to respond.

– Garifallia Mioteri

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