– Hello you, how have you been feeling lately?
– Hm . . I suppose I’m feeling safe in my own boundaries, not trying to be or look different to how I feel in any moment; trying to think nice thoughts about my weaknesses or insecurities, making sure I am treating my body well too. I provide myself what she needs and decline things I do not want to do. I allow myself to be childish, foolish, lazy. I feel open and interested in others. I can share shamelessly that I have been struggling for years with my mental health and that I’m currently on medication whilst still searching for therapy, as I have been for such a long time.
I cry when I’m overwhelmed and let it out when I’m angry in a way that I make myself understood by others, whilst clarifying my boundaries or wishes. I allow myself to get frustrated, desperate, and give up for a while until I’m ready again to fight.
– Oh whow! That’s impressive! You have never shared so deeply with me before. It seems you discovered so many new aspects of your being. But, how come?
– Not sure I have a solid answer. I imagine the last year was so groundbreaking for me that I slowly moved enough to shake the numbness off me. I learned a lot! I’m grateful to be so loved and so rejected. I have learned so much from both situations.
– Ah so much to tell! I believe, that the most precious thing I can share now, because it hit my core and really helped me move forward, was the realisation that being accepted or not by others, is not under my control. It’s their decision, which cannot be manipulated and shall represent their own free will. For example:
I like being surrounded by people who value raw honesty, vulnerability, simplicity. I try to live under my values and tend to accept more people who share the same ones.
Accordingly, people tent to accept people who somehow seem sharing common values in life. That’s not only the case though. Sometimes people choose to accept some aspects of us and reject some others (which might be a pain in the ass for them or triggers to their own issues). Some other people will love our dark parts but might later reject us because of the same exact characteristics.
What does all that mean?
It means that we are all similar, no matter if you choose to like someone or not.
We might “mirror” and reflect the good aspects of others, that we like and approve of, so there is a reflective relationship.
Things between humans though, aren’t always easy and simple, as we all are complex beings, messy, lost from time to time and all the rest that makes us human.
The question is, then, which returns again and again to me, who will love/accept me if they really see that I am so frequently left feeling unstable? Lost? Depressed? Weak?
The answer usually was “Noone, so you better pull your shit together”.
Today, after being lucky enough to have met an amazing partner I clearly know that I can just let it all out (to the point he also wishes to know) and still be held with love and acceptance. I make myself empowered when I allow myself be as I feel each and every moment, because I know that it won’t last forever.
Emotions are so fluid; there is never a chance to get stuck with a certain feeling because they have an external flow, as long as they are not repressed.
So, having been rejected for aspects of my character, behaviour, appearance or mental health struggles only creates peace within me in the long term. I know where I stand and don’t take it personally. It’s their decision and I respect it. At the same time, I am the same person which I honour and love. The problem is when people are not honest about not liking me and giving ambivalent messages. This makes me excruciatingly angry. They think that not showing their truth is some kind of social politeness, I just see it as time wasting and non authentic.
Rejecting is so healthy! Accepting when is in alignment with someone’s authentic will is so healing! In no way should we define our self worth by outside standards. Our standards can only be set by us with a loving and nurturing quality.
It’s okay to be hurt when someone important for us chooses to move away. It’s okay to cry, acknowledge the insecurities arising and honour any trauma related. It’s okay to make our mistakes. And it’s okay to give ourselves time to heal. Things will happen in their own natural rythum whether we like it or not.
The less we interfere in these processes, the better we do, as trying to control and manipulate reactions, emotions, pace of moving on, the harder we make it for ourselves.
Be brave my friend, love yourself unconditionally and turn this into your superpower and life fueling energy.
– Garifallia Mioteri
– Laura Karimloo (art work)